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I’m asking myself: Is this necessary? Why their hell do i want to show the world this web page that is the first result of the Google search: ‘Emotional help’. And do you know what the answer is?? Its that i can’t seem to find Anyone who can understand me, who would listen to me without reacting in a way that will simply piss me off this way i can just ramble and not become even more fucking paranoid.
I can’t seem to help it. I feel in a rut and I’m not even flippin’ 17 yet. I feel like my life is worthless and yet I have not even had the chance to prove myself. I feel alone yet I’m the youngest of 12 children. I feel breathless yet i can still slash out at my closest. I feel like I’m being suffocating when in truth I’m the only one who can lift the pillow that’s smothering my spirits. I don’t know what to do and all i want is to cry. Yet tears don’t spill, i won’t let them. They’re weak and futile and I want to make a difference yet I have no one to lean on…body, mind and soul. I hate this weakness, I seem to hate…me.
I feel pain yet my doctor and family seem to dismiss my worries…well they did once, now i no longer communicate, after all What is the point? If I die I die and if I go to hell I’ll go to hell just as as I’ve fallen into this pit of emotional distress that i once (and perhaps still do) frown upon, and feel i shall never return to the surface.
I feel weak and wish I could simply ignore my emotions and feeling…they’re useless and don’t serve a purpose, but neither do i, now.
What happens when suicide is tempting, yet death seems a waste? What happens when your lessons resurface to aid the time of distress, yet don’t succeed…after all; why listen to those who never really showed you any affection? But detention and burdens? What happens when even the sight of adult authority makes to So very agree you can do nothing but seethe in silence and imagine that which would shock any sane human. And finally what do I do when I cannot hand around my beloved family for the fear that I may come to despise them??? What is happening to me??? Why do I no longer smell the beauty of religion when I once breathed in its very vitality and wonder and found myself in utter content? After those fumes began to fade all I could see was despair and the harsh brutality of life and feel anger at the slightest smile and smirk.
I want to breathe again; I want to smile in truth again; I want to know the beauty of life, family and religion again and the joys of creativity. I pray that one day I will. Ameen.